I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

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Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.


Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.


“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.


Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC


When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.


The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.


Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00


“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift


If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.