@Parkerlawyer

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

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@Vice_Queen

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

@Lavadog93

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

@HollyMemphis

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

@CruisinSoozan

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

@Paulmay018

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

@AaronFullerton

“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift

@AngryRaccoon2

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.