I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
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Every BBC series about the universe.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
stop
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap