@Royceda59: I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she's not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.
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@hunz74: "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" Me: "Sometimes?" "Are you smarter than a 16 year old?" Me: "Always."
@DothTheDoth: Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there's history.
@dorkwing_duck: [PRESS CONFERENCE] Me: I'm going on the record. Yes, I'd go back in time to kill a baby Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler? Me: sure, whoever
@PondHockeyPro: My mom won't stop calling the turkey baster "the squirter" and I can't keep it together.