I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she’s not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.

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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”


Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.


Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?


Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.


Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.


I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there


A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.


‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.



BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.