“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
I bought condoms. Cashier asked if I needed a bag, I said no she’s not that ugly RT @HeroinHadley:Tweet something inspirational. I need it.
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Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.