I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Message from the dog groomers
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Fight
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.