I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Ha
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days