I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
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Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”