Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit.
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me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Sex so good, you make bed angels with your arms and legs afterwards.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Boss: What is your best trait?
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?
PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.
ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?