@TheRealAnchovy

I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit.

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@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@pilau

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

@GensPlace

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

@offbeatoliv

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

@yoopnative

My 11 now wants to borrow clothes from my closet.
Either she has great taste in clothing at an early age…or I dress like a tween.

@EllaZee5

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

@GeorgeTakei

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

@Audenary

ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?

PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.

ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?