“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
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I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱