Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.
I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.