I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should’ve seen her face light up when she opened it

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Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.


Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.


Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.


I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.


*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*



MAN: The Rock.


MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.


I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.