I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
They also CAN sing✌️
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.