You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
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*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”