I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
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[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”