I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
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Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
same vibe as tangled headphones
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol