I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.