@JustMeTurtle

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

You Might Also Like

@NapVeg

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

@junejuly12

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

@MarfSalvador

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

@Milariou

I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

@MamaFlores

5yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”

4yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”

CODE RED CODE RED

@Okeating

My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.

@Spaziotwat

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

@BoomBoomBetty

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

@tweetingdouche

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.