I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me: I鈥檓 so stressed
Heart: play some music you鈥檒l feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you鈥檒l feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn鈥檛 cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you鈥檇 bring to our company?
ME: i鈥檓 straight up goated. i鈥檓 efficiencymaxxing. i鈥檓 taskpilled. i鈥檓 in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we鈥檝e heard enough
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
What is going on? 馃槄
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.