I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills


Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.


[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?


I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.


5yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”

4yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”



My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.


[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”


I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.


Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.