@realHamOnWry

I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.

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@robfee

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) A bunch of freeloaders lie around in bed & support themselves by violating child labor laws.

@GrahamKritzer

Harper Lee: This is the worst writer’s block I’ve ever had

Mockingbird: Oh big surprise you stupid idiot

Harper Lee: *eyes narrowing*

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

@GrantTanaka

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@qwertygirl

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

@KKAlThani

If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you

@SirEviscerate

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

@aotakeo

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

@ShittingtonUK

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.