I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.

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Judge “Why are you divorcing her?”

Me “She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody.”

J “You get half her stuff.”

*air guitar solo*


I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.


Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.


Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.


Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body


If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.


Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.


I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”


[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec