@realHamOnWry

I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.

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@YourAnMoron

Judge “Why are you divorcing her?”

Me “She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody.”

J “You get half her stuff.”

*air guitar solo*

@mela_shea

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

@mrjohntofu

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

@vikkaroni

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

@audipenny

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

@Drivelodeon

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

@Mr_Kapowski

Honestly Officer, the pharmacy ran out of those orange pill bottles so they just gave it to me in this plastic baggie.

@Lowenaffchen

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

@Skoog

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec