Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
“Something’s wrong. He’s never walked this far before.”- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.