I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
So many pants.
So little yoga.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?