@debon7

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

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@PwrFulWmn

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

@sweetg35

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

@rebrafsim

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

@Darlainky

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

@ThugRaccoons

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

@StumpWoodley

The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.

@Playing_Dad

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader