I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

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Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.


I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.


Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.


If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.


“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky


Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.


You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same


The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.


If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader