I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

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The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band


[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.


Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.


right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf


[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager


When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.


We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.


If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.


i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”