The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”