I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
You Might Also Like
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Chemical wingman
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Damn what did I do next
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
good morning
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.