@LostFelicia

I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head

You Might Also Like

@Home_Halfway

You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.

@iGreenMonk

Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.

@TheWeirdWorld

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

@GrantTanaka

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

@mllebeckyrose

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

@humanaaron

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@Brampersandon_

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’