You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.
I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head
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Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Longest English word:
Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
A meeting without food should be an email.
Well. My dog’s not on Twitter. Obvs she’s smarter than me.