@LostFelicia

I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head

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@Contwixt

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

@DocAroundThClok

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

@PatsATweetin

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

@iGreenGod

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

@aimeevc1970

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

@UnFitz

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

@notmythirdrodeo

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

@alizmay

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

@Stalker_Clown

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.