I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
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X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell