@PoodleSnarf

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

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@truegritrumble

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

@HatfieldAnne

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

@markedly

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

@TheNardvark

Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.

@ThatRascalPuff

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

@tastefactory

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

@WookieInMyPants

Me: Can I leave early?

Boss: Why?

Me: Death

Boss: Who died?

Me: No one yet

Boss:

Me:

Boss: Get out

@Home_Halfway

GF: I wanna move in together
COP BF: *writes a ticket*
GF: What are you doing?
COP BF: This is for relationship speeding. Slow down, Brenda.

@bartandsoul

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies