I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
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It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Everything reminds me of my ex
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits