If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*
I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.