@DebHawk12

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

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@HiddleDeeDee

If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.

@murrman5

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

@TweetPotato314

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

@bobvulfov

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

@PsstCaptain

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

@Hobo_Splendido

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

@WritePlay

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

@broodingYAhero

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.