@SamuelHLowe

I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.

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@AshlingDennehy

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

@FuckabillyRex

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@YourAnMoron

The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn’t grow on trees.

@TheMichaelRock

News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.

@_elvishpresley_

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

@TheHyyyype

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

@IamEnidColeslaw

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

@BoomBoomBetty

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

@HomeProbably

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.