Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.
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“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”
The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn’t grow on trees.
News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Sanitary towels imply the existence of unsanitary towels
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.