[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.
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Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Boy: Mike’s dad?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
The closest I’ve come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I’m getting weighed.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Hello, welcome to the evening news, where we’re going to scare the shit out of you for 45 minutes, then weather & sports. Stay tuned.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.