I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
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Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Speak now or ever hold your peace
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.