Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I wish you were a real boy
Pinocchio *begins to sing & dance around*
[3 hrs later]
Geppetto: This was a mistake
*writes kid’s name in sharpie on arm every morning instead of getting tattoo just in case they end up being a disappointment*
I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”