I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Welcome to the stomach
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Breaking news:
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’