Human are so complicated
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I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?