got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
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[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.