Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@KKAlThani

Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”

@Terdoh

The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.

@RandomAntics

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

@KalvinMacleod

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

@robfromonline

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

@ChribHibble

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

@aotakeo

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

?
me: it needs a belt right?

@lisaxy424

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

@gamejoiadvance

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

@samttaggart

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.