I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

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Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”


The Snooze Button: because your first act of the day should be procrastination.


Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.


My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.


me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”


FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”


wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?


today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore


Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them


When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.