I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
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Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while