Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
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{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.