I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Revenge served cold
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
