Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
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HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.