I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…