I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
scrabbled eggs
🤣could you imagine
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I love the honesty
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!