I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
🤣
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it