I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

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[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector


I hate running into people I know at the Supermarket.

I’m looking for food, not a reunion.


The phrase “Whatever floats your boat” is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that’s going to float your boat is water.


I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.

Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.


Pay attention to your kids… Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat.


*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”


“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors


Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn’t be called a “trust fall” if it worked every time.


And on the 8th day, He said “Oh I’ll make carbs delicious AND fattening LOL!”