I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.