@sara_ashlynn

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

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@JustBeingEmma

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

@Fred_Delicious

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

@KalvinMacleod

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

@killingit06

It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The distance is staggering.

@Tmoney68

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

@Parkerlawyer

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

@ACartoonCat

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

@TheAndrewNadeau

the riddler: how did you catch me??

batman: the riddle explaining how to catch you

mrs. the riddler: i told u steven