I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
This pandemic is really stunting my serial killer career
It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The distance is staggering.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
the riddler: how did you catch me??
batman: the riddle explaining how to catch you
mrs. the riddler: i told u steven