I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.