I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.