@Annoyedworld

I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.

-LA Ink.

You Might Also Like

@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

@Stap_Jr

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

@phalguy

I’m at my most NASCAR driver when I really have to pee.

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

@CulturedRuffian

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

@TheAdly

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

@Uniquicorn

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

@TheMichaelRock

Wanna have a little fun?

Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”

Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!