I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I’m at my most NASCAR driver when I really have to pee.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Wanna have a little fun?
Go to Facebook and post “Anyone know a good lawyer?”
Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!