Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
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CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.