I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

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*about to rob a bank*

“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”

i dont need one

“why not”

i already have two

*kisses biceps*


Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.


A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”


In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.


Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.


“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”


VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?


I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?