M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss