I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
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Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab