“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
❤️❤️❤️
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot