@RandySmithWhat

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

@DrakeGatsby

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

@droidbears

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit