One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit