I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
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Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair