I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My wife gives the best headache.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.