I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
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RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
You learn something every day
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses