I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

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Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet


Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds.


Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”


Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.


ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit


me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?


I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water


Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..


UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.