ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?