@EliTerry

I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn’t even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.

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@Jandalize

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

@GenevieveKoski

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

@iamspacegirl

If Facebook Was Real

me: cool shirt Brian
Brian: thanks

[hours later, a knock at my door]

me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt

@WheelTod

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

@vineyille

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

@Kids_kubed

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it