I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
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Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Trumpy Cat
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.