I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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Gods work.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism