@squirrel74wkgn

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

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@mrjohntofu

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

@RobDenBleyker

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

@curlycomedy

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

@inmynewskin

Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.

@charrrllaa

I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?

@BunAndLeggings

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

@yogaknifefight

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

@RobDenBleyker

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa