Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.
I don’t understand people with anchor tattoos that say, “I refuse to sink.” It’s a damn anchor! It’s supposed to sink! What am I missing?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa