What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I can’t stop watching this.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.