You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need