I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
That’s enough internet for the day
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy