I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.