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I built that beach a sandcastle.
Beaches love sandcastles.
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Before Wallmart existed you had to buy a ticket to see the circus.
I wanna be the reason you’re comfortable with your prostate examination
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Time to get ready for work
Insomnia – OK. You can sleep now.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.
Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.