I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
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if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.